Is This the Party to Whom I Am Speaking?

I’m old.

I used to think I was middle-aged, but then I realized I’m not going to live to be 150.

One of the disadvantages of being old is your health.  When I was in my 20s and 30s and got hurt, I’d rub some dirt on it and go back to doing whatever it was that I was doing when I got hurt to begin with.  Now I bump into some furniture and I’m walking with a cane for three weeks.  “Old” sucks!

Of course, when you’re old and you bump into furniture a lot you need to call the doctor.  I remember it was not too long ago that you got a human being when you called.  Mostly it was the receptionist or maybe a nurse.  Often, they knew you and were able to help you immediately.

Now you get one of those telephone menu thingies that says something like:

• If you’re calling from a doctor’s office, press 1

• If you’re calling for a referral, press 2

• If you have a billing question, press 3

And so on….

It makes the doctor’s office sound huge but I think in most cases regardless of which option you choose the call goes to the receptionist anyway.

But, given all the various doctors I need to call nowadays I’ve learned one thing: doctors think you’re a total blooming idiot.  Why do I say this?  Because each and every doctor’s office begins the recording by saying “If this is an emergency, hang up and call 911.”  Even the podiatrist’s office.

Imagine: I’m slicing an avocado and cut my hand.  Three of my fingers are hanging by some loose skin, blood is spurting out all over the kitchen and I’m on hold with the doctor while the recording is telling me to call 911.

Really?

And, get this.  Have you noticed that every time you reach one of these telephone systems the recording always says to “please listen carefully as our options have changed.”  Every.  Single.  Time.  Now I want to know how I can get the gig changing all the options.  Can you imagine a better job?  Every phone system in the whole country has its menus changing!  I can hear it now: I walk into the doctor’s office and Gladys, the receptionist says: “Hi Chuck.  Glad you’re here.  It’s been 11 days since we changed our menus.  They’re getting stale!  Can you add option 9 to say ‘Press 9 to return to the previous menu’ and swap #2 with #7 and #6 with #4.  We really want to screw with them this week!”

Oh, and one more thing.  How long have we had answering machines?  50 or 60 years?  Everyone with a mobile phone has one and most people with land lines have them.  So, if everyone has them, why does every one of them have to tell you to “please leave your message after the beep”?  Shouldn’t it just beep?

Think about it.

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“Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

– Laurence Peter, originator of “The Peter Principle”

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Duck!

This past Tuesday I was sitting with the 9:59 Club on the Bethany Boardwalk.  We’ve moved from the bench by the clock to in front of Tidepool Toys.  We still face east towards the ocean but the building blocks westerly winds and most of the northerly and southerly winds we get this time of year.  And, maybe the best part, there’s a porch roof that shields us from small rain showers.

As we were chatting, I glimpsed a bird flying quickly over the dune towards the building.  It disappeared in front of the Water Lili ladies wear store.  I swore it was a Mallard duck.

And, sure enough!

Ya just never know what you’re gonna see on the boardwalk………

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